Carry Me Home
by boldexpression
Summary: Alternate MJ ending. After the war, they all have their cracks. So when a turn of events leads everyone to believe Katniss is dead, the cracks break open. But maybe that's what they need. Because from brokenness comes mending. And as Katniss begins to heal and take her own journey home, the hearts around her begin to heal as well. Chapter 4: Peeta remembers!
1. Into the Woods

**Carry Me Home**

**Summary:** Alternate MJ ending. After the war, they all have their cracks. So when a turn of events leads everyone to believe Katniss is dead, the cracks break open. But maybe that's what they need. Because from brokenness comes mending. And as Katniss begins to heal and take her own journey home, the hearts around her begin to heal as well.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, due credit goes to Suzanne Collins!

**Story orientation:** Post-MJ, but Peeta has yet to come back to District 12. He will make an appearance very soon! This chapter is a set-up for the rest of the story, more of a prologue than anything else.

And without further adieu…

* * *

Katniss felt the familiar crunch underfoot as she tread through the woods. It was calm, eerily calm, as the sun began to creep into the cracks of the greenery around her. It was times like these, when the light orange hues burst across the sky, that her thoughts began to drift off to Peeta. Usually she watched the fire of the dawn from the safety of her bedroom, breathing through the last of her nightmares. Even in his absence, he kept her safe. If only she had been able to do the same for him.

As quickly as the thoughts had come, Katniss refocussed her mind and trod them away into the bush. The air felt cool and crisp as it wrapped itself around her. She hadn't been outside in so long, not since she had come back from the Capitol. But this morning it had been too much. The nightmares wouldn't stop. And even after she had awoken, she felt trapped in another reality she knew there was no waking up from.

Sae would be at her door soon, ready to make breakfast. Katniss didn't eat much – she didn't want to encourage Sae. She shouldn't have been coming anyway. Haymitch had gotten it right. Just leave the girl to do her thing. That's what Sae should have done too. There was just nothing to save. She was feeding an empty shell that would never be full again.

And that's how Katniss felt – emptied. Before the Games, she was a protector. Her job was to protect her sister, keep her family fed. Nothing else mattered but that, and she needed nothing else to do or be but protect the ones she loved. But the Capitol had taken all that out of her hands. If anything, she had driven them into harm's way herself. They replaced the protector in her heart into something she never wanted to be – a poster girl. First for the Capitol, and then the Rebellion. She had been and done everything for every cause, and after all was said and done, there was nothing more to be. Now, there was nothing but the faces and questions bouncing off each other, echoing into the silence of her life.

Katniss had gone deep into the woods; she knew that much. But she felt at peace here, away from that big old house and Sae's kindness and the empty house across the road. Away from the expectation that somehow life was meant to go on, if there was ever such a thing. By midday, she was still walking. She contemplated turning back. By the time she retraced the hours back from dawn, she would be hitting the outskirts of the district by evening. But something in her rode out this logic. She couldn't. She didn't want to go back. She wasn't ready yet.

Eventually she found a compromise, deciding not to go any further but not turning back just yet, and instead resting herself under a tree as she let the comfort of the woods seep into her senses. She felt weak and tired from the stress and inactivity of being back in District 12. She was hungry and had her bow with her, but right now even the thought of killing something was one she didn't want to return to. So she put her weapons on the ground beside her, and leant her head back on the tree trunk, closing her eyes as she let the sounds of the woods around her rock her gently into oblivion.

* * *

"Haymitch!"

Haymitch winced. Every knock lurched an assault on each side of his head. He grunted in response as he shifted on the armchair, rolling his head to the other side.

"Haymitch!"

The knocking again. He reluctantly opened one eye. Whose voice was that?

Haymitch gave a shout as a loud bang erupted through his house, the unwelcome intruder managing to slam the door open. Haymitch barely had a chance to regather before Sae stood before him, hands on her hips.

"Katniss isn't home." Sae's usually gentle demeanour was taken over by an unwavering, solid stance.

"Well it's about time she got out of the house, don't ya think?" Haymitch grunted back.

"She's been gone all day. She wasn't there when I visited for breakfast this morning."

Haymitch sighed as he rubbed his face. "What time is it?"

"It's after dark, Haymitch. I haven't seen her in town today either, I did look out for her I did."

Haymitch leant forward, his elbows on his knees as he looked up at Sae from under his fringe. "She knows how to protect herself, you know."

Sae pursed her lips. "She's not well, Haymitch. You know that, that's why we're – you're – meant to be keeping an eye out for her. She's not herself."

Haymitch looked down as he studied the floor. "Well there's really only one place she could've gone."

Sae shook her head. "No, it's dark. It's dark out already."

"And therein lies the problem". Haymitch said pointedly, gesturing towards her with a half-filled bottle before bringing it to his lips.

Sae breathed in sharply through her nose. "I'm calling the Peacekeepers. And meanwhile, why don't you put down the bottle and help the poor girl!"

Haymitch paused, the bottleneck quivering in between his lips. Eyeing Sae wearily, he brought it down. "It's okay. They won't kick up a fuss until the morning anyway. You stay here, I'll go."

* * *

Katniss awoke with a start, her heart beating in her chest. Her eyes widened, as if trying to find some light in the darkness around her. _What time is it?!_ She sat still, back glued against the tree trunk, as her ears ached into the abyss, trying to get some bearing of what might be around her. Instinctively, her hands reached for the bow beside her, her fingers clamping around it shakily.

_Breathe, Katniss_. A twig cracked behind her, and she jumped, startled. Craning her neck upwards, she tried to peer up into the tree above her, but was again met with darkness. Climbing the tree now would be near impossible, if not reckless. Katniss gulped as she heard another twig snap. She had no idea what was out here. There was no choice. She had to get up high, and fast. Slinking her bow over her shoulder, she shakily reached up the trunk and blindly felt around for something to hold onto. She slowly crawled her way up the tree, one shaky, fumbling step at a time.

She froze, startled, as she heard a low guttural moan below her. Daring herself to look down, she saw two green eyes staring back at her. Panicked, Katniss lost her footing momentarily, grabbing on wildly to the trunk with both arms as she attempted to stay upright. She felt her heartbeat thump against the tree trunk. The guttural moan was turning into a growl. She had no way of telling what was down there; it was too dark. There was nowhere to go but up.

Clutching the trunk tightly with both hands, she pulled her right foot up, finding a good solid knob to secure it on. There. Next foot. This one was more difficult. She would have to pull up on her hands at the same time. _Come on Katniss,. You can do this. _The growl below her turned into a sharp howl, and in a moment of sheer panic and automatic reactivity, Katniss' arm pulled back to grab an arrow from behind her. Katniss hissed through her teeth as she frantically tried to grab hold of the trunk again, but already she was falling, the air rushing through her weightlessly and the branches whipping at her body in every which direction.

A big crack erupted as she hit the ground, and her bow fell off her shoulder in two angry shards. Katniss gasped as she turned, with one arrow in hand and a wild animal face in front of her, looking more than ready to pounce at the sudden intrusion of space. She barely had a moment to scramble to her feet before it leapt towards her. Shutting her eyes tightly, Katniss held the arrow out to catch its breast as it made its lunge. A guttural howl told her she had succeeded, and she felt its claws in her side as she fell back onto the broken bits of her bow.

Time seemed to slow into an unbearable pace. In the darkness all she could feel was the wet sticky feeling of blood, and the heavy hot breath of the animal hovering above her. In one last ditched effort, she reached behind her for the half of the bow she could reach, bringing the sharp broken shards down heavily onto whatever part of the beast she could find. It drew back in the surprise, and Katniss could feel its blood dripping down her arms as she violently pushed it back, pulling herself to her feet and stumbling blindly through the darkness as fast as she could.

Katniss was still moving quickly through the woods as the first shreds of daylight started to make their tracks between the trees. She stopped, leaning weakly on her knees as her breath came in heaving gasps. She was cold, tired and weak from the adrenaline rushing through her. Shaking, she brought her hand to her side, pulling up her shirt to reveal a dark, crusty gash. Bits of it were already starting to ooze, and she had an awful recollection of Peeta's leg by the river. Peeta. Peeta. How long ago that was. How far away he seemed.

Katniss' vision turned blurry as she leant against the tree, her empty stomach heaving as her eyes burned and bile filled her chest and mouth. This was it. This was her punishment. This was how she would go. Alone in a forest, and utterly empty in every sense of the word.

"Peeta," she whimpered. Would he know she was gone? Would he remember her at all? Would he be happy that the Capitol's 'mutt' was dead?

"Peeta," she shut her eyes as tears dripped down her cheeks. She let herself fall to her knees as she rested her forehead on the trunk. Prim…she could go back to Prim now. Would she blame Katniss? Would Katniss be left to face everyone whose blood was on her hands?

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Prim," she could feel her chest breaking apart as the name slipped out in a wail. "Prim! Prim! Prim, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Prim."

She clutched the tree as the wound in her side burned with every sob. She remembered leaves across her skin. Rue. Sweet little Rue.

"Rue!" Katniss continued hitting her hands into the tree. "Rue I'm sorry, you have to forgive me, Rue please!"

Katniss continued to wail as her body kept heaving as bile rose up to her throat in waves. Her shirt became wet with the onset of new blood and whatever else was making its way out of her wound.

"Prim. Rue. Peeta." Katniss whimpered into the bark as her body slid down toward the bed of leaves. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Katniss lay there whimpering and shaking, and as she slipped away, the last thing she saw was the light orange hue of the sky between the trees.


	2. Evidence of Fear

**Carry Me Home**: Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: All belongs to Suzanne Collins, I'm just having a play with the plot.

**Author's Note**: It was so nice to see that some of you have already found my story out there…I can't tell you how much I am enjoying the writing process and am so grateful I get to share it with you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any comments, questions, feedback or suggestions and I'll do my best to take them on board!

* * *

Sae stared cautiously at Haymitch from across the table. She could see that Haymitch was stone cold sober, although he would never be apt to admit it after she had told him off the night before. How long ago that seemed now. At the time she had expected Katniss to come trailing in through the door, having scared Haymitch enough to jolt him out of his drunken stupor to care for her better. Now she considered, perhaps regretfully, that she should not have been so harsh on him. But how could she have known.

Haymitch was out for hours the night before, trailing the outskirts of the district, as well as the area that was once the Seam, and as far into the woods as he dared to go. Now the Peacekeepers had taken over, ordering Haymitch to return back to the Victor's Village after he continuously held up the search by pointing out places they might have missed, urging them to go faster, and shouting at them to against the commands their leader had set for them.

But Sae could see it all now, sitting across the table from her in Katniss' kitchen. The sobriety, tiredness and worry were all working their way across his face in a dark web of shades and crevices.

"Would you like some coffee?" Sae reached over and placed her thin, knobbly hand over the roughness of Haymitch's fingers, folded tightly on the table in front of him.

"Maybe I should go back out there. They need more people. There's not enough of them."

"They have very capable teams Haymitch, you know this."

"Yes but they're not from here. They don't know the district like I do."

"They know what they're doing. They have a better chance than anyone."

A knock echoed down the hallway and into the kitchen, seating itself at the table between them. Haymitch's red eyes reluctantly met Sae's gaze.

"You go." She whispered.

Haymitch scraped the chair back heavily. Whatever he thought could be behind that door, he wasn't anticipating it to be good. Neither of them were. This was what the Hunger Games and rebellion had placed in them.

* * *

"They found something. We think you should come take a look at this."

That's all the Peacekeeper had said. That was it.

Haymitch angrily stomped his boots into the ground, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jacket. Rage was just one emotion crashing into him, and he wasn't even sure what direction it was going in. But it was blinding him. It was blinding him but God knows that's what he needed right now.

It was hard to tell how long they were walking for, just the two of them. He wondered what could possibly be worth the effort of dragging out a Peacekeeper all this way to fetch him. No words were passed, and Haymitch wasn't one to ask questions. Especially not now. He had a crawling suspicion that no matter how long they walked or however much time it took for them to reach where they were going, it was never going to be enough. He would be willing to walk forever if it meant not facing what was ahead.

He heard the low murmur of voices first as they cut through the gentle humming sounds of the woods. He lifted his head, perhaps surprised to see the small team of Peacekeepers not assembled, but still scattered. He squinted his eyes slightly in a mixture of confusion and contempt. Didn't they say they had found something?

"Haymitch, this way. Follow me." The Peacekeeper that had walked over with him started down a hill off to the side.

The leader of the team broke off from his place, coming to join them as they carefully made their way down. "We thought it would be best if you saw this yourself."

The bow was the first object to appear in his line of vision. He felt almost disoriented as his eyes took in its broken pieces, one haphazardly lying against a rock and the other – was that blood?

Haymitch felt his feet move forward as the sounds of the trees around him fell away, engulfing him in a thick, churning silence.

As he neared closer, a scattered sheath of arrows came into view. It wasn't until it was lying at his feet that he saw the single one lying on its own, also covered in blood. Something in his chest turned at the sight of it.

His eyes drew upwards, resting on the rock the arrow had been leaning on. The blood had dried into its crevices, and lay scattered amidst the foliage around it.

"There was clearly a struggle. We found the tracks of the animal heading north-west into the woods, but they disappeared eventually." The head Peacekeeper hesitated slightly. "The blood continued along the tracks too."

"And what about –?" Haymitch turned to face him. His whole body felt clammy.

"No, nothing." The Peackeepers looked at each other briefly before the one that had led Haymitch down continued.

"It's clear that she came in contact with a wild animal. There was a struggle. Depending on where the animal had taken her, and what…what it had done, in the end…" His voice trailed off.

"No," Haymitch shook his head. "Katniss knows the woods. She survived two Hunger Games, for crying out loud! Until I see…until there is proof, I refuse to…"

"This isn't the arena Haymitch. There are no hovercrafts. No television screens. No trackers," The Head Peacekeeper said gently. "Without her bow, she wouldn't have stood a chance. That's why we needed you out here, to see this, it might be all we…"

The words drifted off and away from Haymitch, back into the rest of the woods. Time after time, year after year, he had watched tributes die. Tributes he was meant to be helping, protecting, saving. Time after time he was left helpless. Eventually he had given up and stopped trying. But this. This was the one time he could have helped. He could have protected her. But instead he had left her to her own devices, thinking she was strong enough to do it on her own. But Sae was right. She hadn't been herself. He had known that.

But now it was too late.

"Haymitch?"

He brought his gaze up to meet the Peacekeepers.

"I'm sorry. I know this must be difficult for you, but the Capitol, we need to…"

The Capitol. The Capitol. Something was trying to push through the shock and fog in Haymitch's mind. The Capitol. The Capitol….Peeta. _Peeta!_

It wasn't too late. There was someone left that needed his protection, needed it now more than ever. And Katniss….he had promised her. Long ago, he had promised her. He would protect Peeta. It was the last promise to her he had left and he wasn't going to break it. He was going to protect Peeta.

"No. Stop."

The Peacekeepers startled at the shift in Haymitch's stance. Haymitch looked up the hill to where the rest of the Peacekeepers had stopped and were watching the trio from afar.

"I want one of you to take me back to the Capitol, and now." Haymitch looked up to the Peacekeepers assembled up the hill. "I want the rest of them to stay here. Tell Sae what has happened and where I am, and make sure that no-one…and I mean no-one…in either this District or the next, or the one after that, and certainly not the goddamn Capitol, finds out about this till I say so. Am I understood?"

"But Haymitch…"

"I said, am I understood!" Haymitch barked.

The Peackeepers remained silent as Haymitch looked back over the broken bow lying across the rock.

"Victors' orders." He finished softly. "It's Victor's orders."

* * *

The pain was the first thing to creep into Katniss' consciousness. A hot, searing pain that raged from across her stomach and into her chest. Katniss felt a whimper escape her lips.

"It's okay Katniss, you're safe."

Something cool and wet pressed against her forehead, and Katniss' growing consciousness struggled to grasp a sense of reality. That voice sounded like….too much like…

Katniss' eyes struggled against the sharp light as she blinked against the face peering down at her.

"Rue?"

Even her voice seemed to question itself as it breathed the name.

The eyes hovering above her flickered slightly, but their kindness did not falter.

"No Katniss, I'm Evelyn. Rue was my sister."

Katniss blinked her eyes slowly again.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you're okay. We were worried you know."

Katniss followed the gentle bubbling of words that were spilling from Evelyn's mouth, but her mind felt too heavy to respond.

"You're in District 11 now. I don't know what happened to you or how you got here. But I was out in the fields and, and I heard you, well I thought I heard my sister's name first…but I found you and, and I knew who you were of course. It's okay though, you're okay now."

"Evelyn." A smooth, gentle voice wrapped itself around the room, turning Evelyn's head away from Katniss and towards the door.

"Mama, she's awake."

"I know, I heard. That's very good. But she needs her rest now, yes?"

"Okay, yes mama," Evelyn turned back to Katniss. "It's okay Katniss, you can close your eyes again now. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."


	3. Episodes of Grief

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! Hope you enjoy, let's welcome Peeta in now. Feedback welcome :)**

* * *

**Chapter Three**

Haymitch sat with an uncharacteristically quiet and subdued presence as Dr Aurelius' trained expression watched him from across the desk.

"How is he?" Haymitch tentatively asked, finally finding his voice.

"Improving," Dr Aurelius replied, still studying Haymitch wearily. "Something tells me you haven't travelled all this way just to ask about the boy, though."

Haymitch turned away to watch the scene out the window to his left. The city's long spires were covered in patchy areas of scaffolding, its buildings stripped back to their bare foundations as it tried to rebuild itself.

"And Katniss? How is she?"

Haymitch felt his shoulders and arms clamp up as a cold feeling spread through his body. The reaction did not go unnoticed. Dr Aurelius squinted his eyes sharply behind his glasses as he leant back in his chair, hands clasped in front of his chest. He let out a long breath as he looked Haymitch over once again.

_Clearly sober, but looks like hell. Almost disoriented. Definitely terrified. Has come here for a reason, but cannot find the words to say why. Something is wrong._ These are the words he would pen to paper if Haymitch were a patient of his.

"I spoke to her once, briefly, after she returned to Twelve," Dr Aurelius probed, testing the waters. "She wasn't answering any calls after that."

Haymitch gulped as he looked into the doctor's kind but inquisitive eyes. "She's dead, Aurelius."

"No one can know," Haymitch followed into the silence that followed.

Dr Aurelius could feel his ribs sink heavily into his chest, and it was almost with conscious effort that he could bring them to rise and fall as he continued to breathe. He knew what Haymitch was here for now.

"The boy, I…" Haymitch wrung his hands together as he stared out the window again, hoping Dr Aurelius wouldn't catch the thickening in his voice, the redness of his eyes.

"He's made progress," Dr Aurelius said quietly, shaking his head. "But how he'll respond…it's anyone's guess."

Haymitch turned back to him slowly. "I want to be the one to tell him. He has to hear it from me."

It was all Dr Aurelius could do but offer a nod. "Okay."

"And I want to take him home. Back to Twelve."

"Haymitch…"

"Some of the Peacekeepers already know. I've managed to hold them off for this long. But it's only a matter of time before all of Panem finds out. And when they do…you and I both know we need Peeta as far away from the Capitol as possible."

"Haymitch he's not ready to be on his own yet. Especially…" Dr Aurelius' voice failed him and the sentence dissipated into the tense air between them.

"I'll take him. He's coming home with me." Haymitch stood from the chair defiantly.

"Very well. Follow me then." Dr Aurelius stood, gesturing towards the door.

"I'll ask the duty nurse to leave the room as you go in," Dr Aurelius explained as they walked down the hallway. "But we'll have to wait and watch from behind the glass window."

Haymitch started to interrupt, but was beaten to it.

"We won't be able to hear a thing. This kind of thing is protocol around here."

"But I told you, I'm taking him home," Haymitch grumbled.

Dr Aurelius stepped outside a closed door, and turned back to Haymitch.

"It's protocol," he repeated, "And you're not a person that's been seen around here recently. Let's not leave room for any speculation now, shall we? Come on, then."

Haymitch let out a long, drawn out breath as the door glided open. He could barely hear the exchange between Dr Aurelius and the nurse on duty as he stared at the figure in the bed. Peeta's eyes watched him expectantly, an element of surprised laced within his gaze. Haymitch startled slightly at the sound of the door closing loudly behind him.

"Peeta," Haymitch nodded, walking to the foot of Peeta's bed. Suddenly he could feel Katniss' fingers and nails clawing at his face. _"You promised! You promised!_" Her screeching voice rang through his mind. He had no idea how this Peeta would react, and he had a feeling that having his face clawed off might be one of the better possibilities.

"Haymitch," Peeta tentatively offered the ghost of a smile.

"How've you been, kid?" Haymitch leant on the bar at the end of the bed, his shoulders curled into his back.

"Good," Peeta nodded politely. "I mean – most of the time. I'm okay. I know what's real, from the memories I got back from videos and Delly. It's just – it's just sometimes, when I'm…. They said I could go home soon, though."

There was a silence as Haymitch tried to smile back, unable to find his voice.

"How's Twelve? I mean…everyone….the people…the people in District Twelve," Peeta's tone began to stammer uncertainly, and his voice dropped. "How is she?"

His whispered the words as if it were taboo to speak them. Haymitch wasn't surprised that his treatment regime in a place like this could leave him with that sort of legacy. He felt his hands grip the metal bar a little tighter. He'd spent the entire hovercraft ride rehearsing this conversation in his head, but now, with Peeta's ever-hopeful eyes looking up at him, the words could only hope to come out clumsily at best.

"Peeta there – there was an accident," Haymitch's voice re-emerged with a whisper. He offered a quick glance at the window where Dr Aurelius stood, arms crossed as he watched them intently. When he looked back at Peeta, the hopeful eyes had gone blank, and his lips were moving slowly, silently, as if he were trying to form words but unable to find them.

"She went out to the woods, and…she's not coming back, Peeta," Haymitch listened to his own voice as if it were coming from someone else. The words kept tumbling out as the image of Katniss screeching and clawing at him in grief kept returning to his mind. "I'm so sorry, Peeta. She's not coming back now. She's dead."

Haymitch's voice cracked, and he swallowed it down. He could feel an icy tingle grasp the back of his neck as he watched Peeta, whose eyes remained wide. Without warning, his pupils began to dilate as he gripped the edge of the bed. A gurgle sprung from his throat as his face looked suddenly stricken, his features contorting sharply. He had barely managed to sound the word "no" from his lips before he lay suddenly limp and unconscious.

Haymitch was still gripping the bed when he heard Dr Aurelius rush into the room behind him.

"That wasn't necessary," Haymitch growled.

"I had to, he was entering an episode. It's proto –"

"Damn you and your protocols!" Haymitch yelled, turning around angrily. "It wasn't a goddamn episode Aurelius, it's called grief!"

The two men stared each other down intensely as Peeta lay on the bed serenely, the word "no" left to hang quietly, ominously, above the rise and fall of his chest.

* * *

Katniss awoke to a cool sensation on her stomach, eliciting a soft sigh of relief from her lips.

"Sorry love, I didn't mean to wake you." The tone was nurturing but firm – and altogether comforting.

Katniss opened her eyes to meet the gentle gaze of Rue's mother.

"It's okay."

"It's quite a gash there. What happened?"

Katniss made an attempt to speak, but the murmur that slipped from her lips was barely audible. She shook her head in defeat, sighing.

"You made it here. It's okay now."

Katniss bit her lip, unsure what to do with the kindness and too tired and sore to resist it. She was still confused and slightly disoriented. She remembered running, running…and suddenly it was Rue – or rather, her sister – standing over her. District Eleven. Eleven. Had she really gone this far?

Rue's mother paused for a moment, as if in thought. Suddenly she looked up, as if perching on the edge of hesitation.

"Katniss is…is there somebody I could call? To let them know you're here?"

Katniss looked down at the deep red colour of her wound. Her eyes pricked with memory as she followed the winding veins of the leaves wrapped around her bodice protectively.

"There's a phone in the justice building in town you know, I'm sure they…"

"No. There's no-one."

The silence that followed was strong and palpable. Something hot and heavy ran through Katniss' cheeks, as if willing her to run, to flee, to fight. Something other than sit here under the gaze of one of the last people she wished to be facing right now. The shame was unbearable. Perhaps, she thought, Rue's mother would gain some vindication, that this girl that had lived on while her daughter died was suffering from it.

"You have us now."

The words struck deep in Katniss' chest, choking the pain and guilt with long, winding tendrils. She had let the daughter of such a kind, kind woman die. She had caused them so much pain, if she had never left Rue, if only…

"I'm sorry." Katniss' words tumbled out clumsily, a tear tracking down her face. She felt childish under the care of this woman as she helplessly lay in bed. She had always thought that to need someone was a weakness, a vulnerability that surely placed you in the inevitable line of fire. But now that she was here, with someone looking over her, tending to her, being there so unconditionally, the need was threatening to overwhelm her completely. "Rue, she…I…I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry."

Katniss' tears reached deep in the confines of her chest, threatening to burst out angrily through the now aching gash in her side.

"Shhh now, you'll hurt yourself lovey," Rue's mother gently placed a hand over Katniss' fingers.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I didn't save her," Katniss hiccupped. "She should've been saved, she deserved to live."

Rue's mother looked at Katniss with eyes that glistened with both the tears of grief and the wisdom of understanding.

"Rue was going to die alone in an arena filled with hate. But as far as I'm concerned she didn't die in that arena. She died in the arms of someone that loved her. You did save her." The tears tracked down her cheeks with a calm elegance of understanding. "When you became her family, you became ours. I watched you go into that Quell as I would my own child. For Rue."

"For Rue," Katniss whispered. She suddenly felt so tired, the weight of the words resting heavily on her aching body. She was so, so tired. Tired of being mad, tired of being weak. Tired of being to blame. Tired of the hurt. So, so tired. She could feel every ounce of it as her eyes struggled to stay awake.

"Go back to sleep now, lovely," Rue's mother cooed softly beside her as she rested back into the pillow, letting her eyes drift closed. "You have us now."

* * *

Haymitch sat on the chair watching as Peeta's eyes slowly flickered open to meet his own.

"Hey," Haymitch said carefully, wearily noting the troubled expression that settled on Peeta's face as he registered Haymitch's presence.

Peeta made a slight attempt to sit up, but then lay back heavily in defeat against the pillow. He wiped his hands across his face frustratingly, trying to get rid of his grogginess.

"Was that real?" Peeta croaked after a moment.

Haymitch looked down, unable to answer.

Peeta's face folded as his eyes filled with water. His face had lost its vitality, and looked gaunt against the starchy white of the pillow. In all his bleariness, his emotions pushed through uninhibited, giving him the appearance of a young child. Haymitch reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. Peeta responded by grasping Haymitch's forearm with both hands.

"Before, when you…when you," Peeta hiccupped, the tears creeping into the crevices of his face, "when you said…"

"It's okay, Peeta," Haymitch put his free hand across Peeta's, trying desperately to quiet him.

"No but…" Peeta continued, his hiccups turning into weak sobs. "I felt…I thought I would go under, an episode."

He swallowed heavily and paused until he was sure Haymitch was listening again.

"My mind, the bad memories…the wrong ones…they came in," Peeta was fighting to remain composed, valiantly needing to get his point across. "But, but then…"

Haymitch felt his eyes fill up as he felt the boy tremble beneath his fingers.

"I felt it," Peeta finally gasped out, the tears and emotion crashing forward. "There were all these images, telling me, she was bad, this was good, but…the pain, Haymitch."

Peeta was now sobbing heavily as he lifted his hands off Haymitch's arms and starting hitting them against his chest. "Here, Haymitch, right here, the pain, something I couldn't…I couldn't…"

Haymitch gripped Peeta's shoulder more tightly as he felt his own resolve crumble as well. He knew that feeling Peeta was describing, he knew it all too well. It was one reserved only for matters of the heart, of love and its loss. And now he knew that saving Peeta wasn't just about Katniss, or Peeta. It was about saving himself as well.

"It's okay, we're going home kid. We're going home," was all Haymitch could get out.

"They weren't real, Haymitch, those images, they weren't…" Peeta started to clap his hands against his chest again. "This was real. This here. This is real. This pain is real."

Haymitch pressed his eyes shut, half-expecting Peeta to fall limp and unconscious under his hold again. But it never came.

"I loved her. I know this now. That's real. I loved her. But I loved her. She can't…" Peeta's sobs filled the room as Haymitch let his own tears come down at last.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed it! Please review, suggestions welcome! –boldexpression


	4. Searching for Real

Authors Note: Yes this is a shorter chapter, but I really needed it to stand alone to set the scene for the exciting stuff that's coming up. I had a question – do you guys prefer for me to separate Haymitch/Peeta into completely separate chapters from Katniss, or are you happy for me to keep them intertwined within the same chapter as I have been doing? I have a couple of chapters to go before I bring them back together, but they will make it soon, I promise!

And without further adieu…

* * *

On the third day, Rue's mother gingerly eased Katniss onto the living room couch. Slightly more alert, Katniss' mind was brimming with questions. She could conjure up an image of Rue's family at the Victory Tour, far greater in number than her mother and Evelyn. But the house was filled with empty rooms that left a knot of silence in Katniss' throat as she watched Rue's mother shift the pillows tenderly to support the side that harboured Katniss' wound.

"Evelyn is out in the fields today, so you'll get a bit of peace and quiet." Rue's mother finished off Katniss' cocoon-like structure with a thick blanket. "Although I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you out of bed when she gets back."

Katniss couldn't speak a word as she looked up with tearful eyes. She couldn't fathom…

Rue's mother took a seat on the coffee table beside Katniss. "The district schools are still being rebuilt after the war – so the children here in 11 still have a while to go before they go back."

Katniss nodded slowly, processing this new information carefully. She hadn't seen Evelyn since that first night, and had assumed she would have been at school each day.

"The kids…my kids," Rue's mother corrected herself, "I sent them to District 4 with their uncle, to see the ocean for the first time. Get their mind off things."

Katniss nearly choked on her relief as she cleared her throat and found her voice at last. "What about Evelyn? Why didn't she go with them?"

"Little Evie," Rue's mother murmured, a dark shadow eclipsing the kindness in her face momentarily, "Little Evie refused to leave. She's waiting for Rue to come home."

Katniss fell silent. Suddenly she was grateful to not have had much contact with Evelyn during her stay. She could, in her mind, see an image of Prim doing the same thing if Katniss had never returned from her Games. Dear little Prim, her hair haphazard without Katniss' braiding, clutching Buttercup on the front porch and waiting for her dead sister to return. A part of Katniss, a quiet but insistent part of her, justified the lengths she'd gone to in order to survive, no matter how selfish her underlying guilt has deemed them to be.

"At the end of the war most of the families living out here on the outskirts moved into the town centre." Rue's mother continued. "Evelyn said she was afraid Rue wouldn't know where to come home to, so we decided to stay. She still goes out to the fields each day, listening out for the Mockingjays and Rue's song. At first I had tried to step in, but she was so distraught at the thought of missing Rue if she turned up."

Katniss looked on in wonder as this woman spoke of her dead daughter with such a firm, loving strength. She couldn't imagine the heartbreak of having to watch one of your surviving children search for her dead sister in the fields.

"So that's what she does now?"

"The farmers out there all know her, now and assure me they keep an eye out for her. Lovely families, really. Their wives sometimes call Evelyn in for some tea or bread. So at least I know she is safe."

Katniss felt her eyebrows tighten in thought as she made an attempt to piece together all that she was hearing. "That's how she found me."

"Yes. That's how she found you."

"And what about…but what then? Surely someone should talk to her, tell her what's real?" As she heard the words come out of her own mouth, Katniss couldn't help but wince at the recollections that pressed into her mind, as if from another dimension. Oh, Peeta.

"I like to think that her mind knows what it is doing. That it knows she's not ready to face the truth yet, that maybe she's still building her strength up. And then maybe, one day, who knows?"

Katniss shuddered to think of it. It was all too much – the gentle, compassionate strength of Rue's mother in the face of all she had lost, and the innocent victim of such profound loss that wandered the fields by day, lost in a world where her grief was frozen and could not hurt her.

"She's lucky to have you,' was all Katniss could say. "They all are."

And Katniss meant it, every word of it, her mother's own weaknesses burning that little bit brighter in the hollows of a quiet house on the edge of district 11, where life – and love – had somehow found a way to mould itself around the crevices of grief.

* * *

It took an entire day, but eventually Peeta and Haymitch were able to get Haymitch's house to a more liveable state, with room for at least two people now amidst all the clutter and tired furniture. Peeta had watched wearily as Haymitch wordlessly emptied and cleared out bottles of alcohol, but preferred to not say anything. He was scared for Haymitch in his sobriety, scared for himself in all his broken memories, and scared of the hours that stretched out before them as they somehow were expected to find a way and a will to rebuild themselves.

As the day wound down into evening, Haymitch was emptying one of the last remaining bottles before he paused, catching Peeta standing in the doorway awkwardly, hands stuffed in his pockets as he looked on silently.

"I know you've lost a lot, kid," Haymitch said over the sounds of the alcohol gurgling away in the drain. "But whatever you do, don't lose yourself as well. Certainly not under my roof you aren't."

Peeta stared at the floor before speaking quietly. "There's nothing left of me to lose, Haymitch."

His words barely came out in a mumble – in fact, they were the first words Haymitch had heard from the boy all day.

"Well, don't just stand there. Come over, then." Haymitch waved Peeta over to the table, where he took a seat opposite. "Somehow, I don't know how yet, but somehow, we're going to piece this back together, okay?"

Peeta nodded briefly as he followed a crack in the wood with his eyes. He had no idea exactly what Haymitch was referring to when he said they would be piecing 'it' together – there was no part of Peeta that wasn't broken. His body, his heart, his memories. His memories. They were all he would have had left, and now even they were gone. The crack blurred into his vision as he felt his shoulders begin to shake silently.

"You don't understand Haymitch, she's gone," Peeta breathed through the sobs rumbling threateningly beneath his chest. "I never got those memories back. I've lost her twice. I know the Games – the videos – I know what Delly told me. But I remember nothing. What happened behind the scenes? What did we say to each other when no-one was around? She's gone. There's no pieces left to put back together. All I have is other people's memories. My pieces are gone."

Haymitch had no response. He just breathed in deeply, and watched on as Peeta broke down in front of him.

"Sometimes I wonder if any of it happened, it any of it was even real, whether we ever even," Peeta's voice trailed off as he breathed out, gulping away the rest of his tears. "But then I feel, I feel it so deeply, that I've lost something, someone, so great. That meant so much. And this feeling can't be lying. I just don't know what it is that I've lost. I just know that there's no way I'll ever get it back now."

* * *

"How is your tummy feeling, Katniss?" Evelyn sat on the edge of the coffee table, her tiny feet perched on the edge of the couch that Katniss was lying on.

"Better, thankyou."

Katniss tried to smile at the young girl, but she couldn't get out of her head the image of Prim sitting on the front porch waiting for Katniss to never come home.

Evelyn nodded, biting her lip, as she looked at Katniss thoughtfully.

"Katniss?" she eventually said. "Could you braid my hair for me?"

Katniss felt her hands freeze, lost in the memory of silky blonde hair folding itself through her fingers naturally. She couldn't. She couldn't. The tiny feet curled into themselves by her side. She allowed her gaze to follow upwards and meet Evelyn's dark lashes. The young girl smiled bashfully, and Katniss couldn't help but think of how she looked just like Rue when she did that.

"Of course, Evie," she conceded, smiling slightly in attempt to match the delicate joy that graced Evelyn's features. "Of course I'll braid your hair for you."

* * *

Shorter chapter, as I said, but not to worry – I'm planning to roll out the next one far, far sooner than it took to roll this one out. Don't forget to let me know if you have a preference for whether you want both sides of the story intertwined or kept within separate chapters.

Thanks for reading, and thanks especially for being as patient as you have been!

More to come xx


	5. Colours of You

**Carry Me Home: Chapter 5**

I'm so sorry for the long wait! The chapter is here. Please know that I am doing my absolute best to get these out as soon as I can, and I thank you all eternally for being so patient and sticking with me.

You all said you were happy with things intertwined, so I have left the structure as is. Thanks for the feedback :)

Without further adieu….

* * *

It was just coming onto morning light when Katniss woke up. She breathed in deeply as she watched the sky outside fill to the brim with a soft orange hue. It was the only time of day that she allowed herself to think of him. Where was he? Was he okay? Was he watching the same sunrise, in that very moment, and was it still his favourite hue that splashed across the horizon? Was he also –

No. Katniss exhaled her breath sharply. This is where she would not let her thoughts wander. How could he be thinking of her, and even if he was, what were the chances that he would ever be thinking of her in any way favourable? She recalled their moments in Tigris' shop with a heavy heart. Real. Not real. Real. Not real. They had broken her boy's mind, and in the process broken her heart as well.

Down the hallway, she could hear some movement. She listened as heavy, sure-footed steps wandered into the living room. Rue's mother, she was sure. Twisting her body slightly, Katniss tenderly tested her wounded side. The pain was dull, but no longer jarring. Slowly, carefully, Katniss eased herself into a sitting position. She paused, catching her breath, as her bare feet relished in the feel of the carpet below. With one heavy sigh, she lifted herself up.

The television was turned on as she clumsily ambled down the hallway, clutching at the walls. Her ears strained into the sound of the Capitol-infused voices, intrigued by her discovery of this morning ritual. Of course Panem's citizens would be interested in how the rest of the country was shaping out and building up. And of course, she thought glumly, that this was an hour shielded from little Evie.

It was only when Katniss reached the doorway that she stopped. Rue's mother was seated on the couch with her back towards her, and Katniss had full view of the screen. She felt her breath catch as Caesar Flickerman's face suddenly appeared. Rue's mother quickly grabbed the remote and turned the television off. Katniss dared not breathe into the palpable silence between them.

"They think you're dead."

Rue's mother spoke directly, shredding the silence with a clean sweep. "The whole country thinks you're dead."

She turned then to face the girl standing hunched over the doorframe.

"Oh dear, look at you," she quickly bustled over, gently clutching Katniss by the good side of her waist and leading her onto the couch.

"I'm sorry, I heard the TV and – " Katniss began.

"It's okay," Rue's mother pursed her lips together as she sat on the armrest at Katniss' feet. "We need to call someone."

Katniss' eyes filled with tears as she shook her head vehemently. "Please, no. I can't go back. It's better this way. You don't understand, this is better, this is – I can't go back. Please don't make me."

Rue's mother watched as Katniss turned into a young girl in front of her eyes. Somewhere along the way she had forgotten, as most of the country had, that Katniss had entered the Games as a child – and was still technically considered as such. A child who had, of course, had far too much placed on her shoulders all at once. But a child nonetheless.

"Katniss who can I call? Where is home for you? Where's family?" Rue's mother spoke as gently as she could, but the young girl's tears only grew in intensity.

"I can't go back," she blubbered. "I can't go back, I've done too much, I'm better kept away, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I'm not sending you anywhere," Rue's mother stated firmly. She could not describe what sort of logic, if any, was running through her mind in that moment but all she could fathom was that she had a deep underlying desire to protect this young girl. In the same way, she supposed, Katniss had protected her own daughter when she had been unable to do it herself.

"You're not going anywhere yet." Rue's mother softly nodded, stroking Katniss' knee affectionately. "Not until you say so, not until you're ready."

* * *

Peeta watched from his bed as the last shreds of orange disappeared into the blue hues of daylight. He could never explain why but for some reason he felt closer to Katniss in that moment more than any other time of day. He often wondered what its significance was, if there was a memory behind it, a moment they may have shared, a stolen conversation. Often he would go back to that place in his mind during the day, a refuge of sorts, where he could spend hours making up all these little moments in his head, fake memories, where this link he had to the orange skies might have some semblance of real connection to her.

This morning, he was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud clatter downstairs. Peeta shot up out of bed at the sound. Surely Haymitch wasn't awake yet? Pulling on a t-shirt, Peeta carefully wandered out into the hallway and down the stairs, where he almost collided with a mess of wooden slabs, boxes and cardboard.

"Haymitch you've been drinking," Peeta suddenly felt a fury rise up inside him as he noticed his easel sticking out of the clutter. To its left an overturned box had spilled out tubes of paint across the floor. He hadn't seen these since – since – so long ago, now. Lifetimes ago. And they weren't about to have a reunion anytime soon, not if Peeta had anything to do with it. He wanted everything gone.

"No sir, sober as a nickel," Haymitch gruffly retorted. He looked like he hadn't slept a wink, Peeta noticed wearily.

"Well then you're mad. Go to bed," Peeta spun on his heels and headed back up the stairs.

"Wait," Haymitch called back up after him. Peeta stopped halfway up the stairs but didn't turn around for fear his face would betray his emotions.

"I just – today," Haymitch sighed, scratching his chin sensitively. "They're announcing it today, from the Capitol. I thought this might help."

Peeta understood now why Haymitched looked like he hadn't slept at all – because most likely he hadn't. Peeta closed his fingers tightly around the stair bannister as the horrible grief sensations splashed themselves across his chest again. They always started the same – a flashback, something shiny glistening like a mirage on the horizon of his own mind – but then the pain would hit, rising up through his chest and obliterating the possibility of any truth other than the fact that he loved Katniss, that he had loved her back then and he loved her now and that he would never stop loving her, even when this empty, broken mind of his had left nothing of her in him to love.

Slowly, silently, he peeled his hand off the stair rail, leaving a sweaty print of his palm in his wake. One by one, he followed each step up until he reached the hallway; and did not stop until the sound of his bedroom door reverberated through the house. He walked straight to the window, but it was too late. The fleeting orange hues had disappeared, leaving nothing but a clear blue sky and no trace that the horizon had ever been graced with such a vibrant colour before.

* * *

Even Evelyn was unnaturally subdued as she and Katniss ate their breakfast from the living room that morning. Katniss kept trying to make an effort to smile at the young girl, but her half-together braid from the night before was hanging at all ends and directions off her head and it was simply too much for Katniss to bear.

"Evelyn dear, you'll remember to pick up the oranges from Mrs Fletcher when you go out today, won't you?"

Rue's mother crossed into the heaviness that had nestled itself into the living room as she called from the doorway.

Evelyn timidly looked up from behind her bowl of porridge in a way that achingly reminded Katniss of Rue.

"I'm not going out today, mama," she whispered quietly.

Katniss could feel Rue's mother stiffen behind her. The silence that followed was long, too long. Finally Katniss stepped in.

"That's great Evelyn, you can stay here if you like and keep me company today," Katniss flashed her a wide grin as she rested a hand on the side of Evelyn's head, smoothing out the edges of what was left of the braid. "How would you like me to teach you how to do your hair like this all the time, hmmm?"

Evelyn beamed in return.

"I'd love that Katniss," she breathed out.

Katniss stole a concerned glance behind her as Rue's mother stood silently in the doorway, hands clasped across the front of her chest. Her eyes welled up as they met Katniss' gaze.

"Thankyou," she mouthed.

* * *

It wasn't until mid-afternoon that Peeta re-emerged from his room. He went down the stairs to find Haymitch asleep across the couch, snoring loudly into the empty heaviness that lay across the house like a blanket of snow.

Peeta slowly edged around the paint supplies still scattered in the front entrance. He circled the pile, eyeing them wearily. A flash of orange caught his eye and he grabbed the tube of paint, nursing it carefully between his two forefingers as if in fear of contagion. He swallowed hesitantly as he put the tube into his pocket.

He then sought for a few more colours he might need to fit the picture of the sunrise perched in his mind's eye. A white, perhaps, to tone it down. A soft blue, an even gentler red. A timid yellow.

Stuffing the colours into his picket, he carefully picked up a small blank canvas. With all his winnings now in his arms, he carefully walked back up the stairs, pausing slightly before he entered his room. With a splash of movement, he scattered the paints across the floor. Realising he had forgotten a paintbrush, he squeezed the paints directly onto the canvas and guided the colours through with his fingers.

Soon the movement became automatic, and he watched, transfixed, as a beautiful horizon swept up beneath his hands, frozen in the flight of a bright orange sunset. The world seemed to fall away as the vivid colours entrapped him in their gaze.

_"Green. What's yours?"_

_"Orange."_

_"Like Effie's hair?"_

_"No, not that orange. More uh, more like a sunset kind of orange."_

Peeta's hands closed into fists, squeezing the orange paint out from between his fingers. A sharp tightening sensation churned in his chest as he shut his eyes into the pain. He could see her then, the way her eyes danced across the scenery passing them by. The stolen conversation. It had happened. It was real. Real. Real. Real.

And he had remembered it. It was his.

Peeta gasped as a sob stretched out of his throat, morphing itself into a wail. He had never felt so rich and yet so bare. He had never received such an amazing gift and yet he had never felt more robbed in his life. Because with the memory came loss. Katniss, Katniss, Katniss. Even then he could see it in her eyes. He was sure she could've seen it in his.

"Katniss!" Peeta screamed as he brought his hands up, smearing the orange paint across his face and hair. "Katniss! Katniss please!"

His voice turned into wails as he rocked himself back and forth over the shadows of his sunset. Strong hands grasped his shoulders as Haymitch attemped to contain the boy, but his grief could not be held.

"She came back, she came back," Peeta sobbed, "She came back."

Peeta was remembering, and in his mind there was a tangible image of Katniss, a stolen conversation that only they had shared. But so too was there a tangible grief, a memory long forgotten, a timeless moment that they would never share again. And never before had Peeta gained so much and lost so little all in the same moment, all in the same hue.

But tomorrow, he would return again, and this time he would be painting in green.

* * *

You didn't think I would keep Peeta away from his memories for long, did you? I have a few more things before to do around here before they reunite but I anticipate it happening in the next couple of chapters. As always, open to suggestions, comments, feedback. Thankyou all so much!


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